When Love Was Missing, We Learned to Blame Ourselves
Self-Criticism as a Trauma Memory
This post explores how neglect and abandonment in childhood can become the root of high self-criticism in adulthood.
Restoring self-esteem, dignity, and confidence begins with realizing that many of our thoughts about ourselves are actually memories of traumatic neglect and abandonment.
Seeing the Inner Critic as a Memory, Not a Truth
When we think, I don’t matter. It was my fault. My needs are a bother. I don’t deserve safety or kindness. I am worthless, these are echoes from a time when we were not being treated as whole human beings.
They are not true — they are the conclusions we drew when we were under threat, experiencing neglect or abandonment.
Our work is to see these thoughts for what they are: memories of the past, not truths of the present.
How Self-Criticism Becomes Survival
Mindfulness invites us to witness our thoughts rather than believe them. Freedom begins when we remember that self-criticism was once a survival strategy.
When we couldn’t run, fight back, or call for help, we turned our energy inward. That instinct to fight for ourselves became a habit of fighting against ourselves.
A Child’s Perspective
A five-year-old rarely has the cognitive development to think, “Being left alone all day by my drunk parent is damaging to my sense of being lovable.”
Instead, we internalize, “I am useless.” Neglect and abandonment is trying to see what did not happen; it is hard to see the lack of being cherish. As children we feel not being cherished, but turn it on ourselves as the absence of being good enough.
What we told ourselves is part of the trauma memory—just like the smells, sounds, and sights.
What you sensed and thought during the trauma is not part of who you are; it is part of the memory.
Reclaiming Your Worth
Observing these thoughts as memories frees you from building your life around them. You can honor that child’s effort and build a new narrative rooted in worth and belonging—through co-regulation with compassionate people who are capable of truly seeing you.
If this reflection speaks to your healing journey and you’d like support integrating these insights, I’d love to have you join one of my classes, 5-person Healing Circles, or schedule an individual session.
Together, we can transform the fight within into the freedom of self-compassion. 🌿
Othermothering as Restoration
Experiencing being truly seen is the foundation for restoring what was missed in early life, addressing the core wound of neglect.
My Othermothering Singing Medicine helps people experience being seen through one of the most ancient ways humans have expressed care—through song.
Healing is not something we do alone; it’s something we remember together.
Explore offerings at robinlandsong.com →